PrintWorst Meal This Year: Lucy's Cantina Royale
"Even my Diet Coke was awful."
[Photos: Robyn Lee]
At Serious Eats, we eat an awful lot of meals we don't tell you about. And usually, if there's nothing to recommend, we keep our mouths shut. Why review an unremarkable restaurant with mediocre food? There's no reason to waste your time or ours.
But every once in awhile, we find a spot so egregiously awful that we simply have to write it up. To save you from making the same mistake we did. To spare your stomach and your wallet and your schedule. So today, we present you the most laughably terrible lunch we've eaten in ages—at Lucy's Cantina Royale.
Let's get one thing straight; we didn't expect this geographically confused Baja-Tex-Cali-Mex restaurant to be particularly good. Factor in my Californian "This isn't real Mexican!" snobbery and a few gushing PR emails, and we weren't particularly optimistic. But we try to eat as widely as possible, and just a five-minute walk from our office, Lucy's deserved a shot.
We should have known better. There are four Rules of Restaurants I have yet to disprove:
- If a restaurant refers to itself as a "concept," the food's probably not very good.
- If a restaurant is at 34th and 8th, the food's probably not very good.
- If a restaurant has Slushie machines behind the bar, the food's probably not very good.*
- If the waitresses are wearing distractingly skimpy outfits, the food's probably not very good.
And we'll add a fifth, on the basis of this lunch alone: If a restaurant has the charming pronouncement "Tequila makes your clothes fall off!" stenciled over the bar... the food's probably not very good.
Five strikes against Lucy's before we even sat down. And it sure as hell didn't get better from there. (The fact that it set us back $66 didn't help, either.) A comedy of errors, after the jump.
*The one exception: Momofuku Noodle Bar. If you have another, bring it on.
We started with I Love Lucy's Guacamole House Chips ($9). "Hazen has refined classic Tex Mex style dishes like chips and salsa and tacos for Lucy's menu," the press release told us. But can they be called "house chips" if the house doesn't make them? If these were made fresh, they were made fresh two days ago. I was tempted to dash out and grab a bag of Tostitos from the Duane Reade next door; they have a better flavor and crunch. The guacamole was fine, if unmemorable—it's really hard to mess up mashed avocado—though the pico de gallo on top was bitter and astringent.
This is how you make a good quesadilla: 1. Take a fresh tortilla 2. Load it up with tasty cheese 3. Oil and salt the outside 4. Cook until melted.
This is how you make a bad quesadilla: 1. Take a stale tortilla 2. Load it up with cheese and limp, rubbery steak bits 3. Soak in oil and crust in salt 4. Cook for a few moments, leaving cheese cold and unmelted.
Guess which path they followed? My dad, a block of yellow cheddar, and our old microwave make a superior quesadilla. And for the $12 charged here, he could probably make 40.
A pineapple scallion pork burrito ($11), starting off handicapped by a gluey flour tortilla, was made with what looked like Uncle Ben's rice and a pineapple mixture so sweet it tasted right out of the Dole can. So un-porky was the pork that we'd referred to it as "the chicken burrito" before we consulted the menu a second time and remembered what meat we were eating.
Chipotle skirt steak tacos ($10) came three to an order, housed in wan, frayed tortillas, with chewy clumps of unseasoned meat and an anemic green glue dubbed an "avocado crema" but more reminiscent of mayonnaise on St. Patrick's Day.
Yucca fries ($4) were the only thing worth a second bite; how terrible could any starch fried into oblivion be? But stiff and barely above room temperature, they'd clearly spent some time under a warming lamp. Come on, guys; the room was almost entirely empty. Fries can't be fried to order?
Charred corn ($4) is almost always a side worth ordering. But here, the kernels didn't pop on first bite; they slid, and wilted, and squished unappealingly. We're guessing that ear had been cooked yesterday. An ambiguous cheesey substance slunk off and puddled, cold and lonely, on the side.
We thought about trying the Apple Pie Burrito, up there on the display with "Rice Y Beans" and "Chihuahuas in a Poncho," but we'd lost our appetites. Even my Diet Coke tasted off—syrupy, chemical, almost bubble-free. As the last unfinished plate of food was cleared, we shook our heads sadly. Serious Eats etiquette dictated we bring back leftovers for those still in the office, but we didn't bother. "I wish we'd gone to Taco Bell," sighed Ed.
There are plenty of bad Mexican restaurants in this world, but few so audacious as to charge this much. Lucy's is set up to prey on hapless commuters stranded at Penn Station. The signs, the drink machines, and the short-skirted waitresses all made clear that this was a margarita bar serving meals, not a restaurant serving drinks. But frankly, I can't imagine wanting this food even after three or four stiff margs. Proper drunk food should be hot and greasy and satisfying—not meager, pricey, and barely warmed over. I'd take a plate of street meat any night. And I wouldn't have to fork over a few twenties for it.
On our way back to the office, we counted off the places we'd rather have eaten—Brother Jimmy's BBQ. Uncle Nick's Greek Cuisine. The pretzel cart on 31st and 8th. We wanted our lunch back.
I'd laugh—if I didn't feel so queasy.
Lucy's Cantina Royale
1 Penn Plaza, New York NY 10119 (at 34th and 8th; map)
212-643-1270
lucyscantinaroyale.com
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40 Comments:
"If the waitresses are wearing distractingly skimpy outfits, the food's probably not very good." - I can and will disprove this one. Give me about two weeks.
John C. at 4:16PM on 11/18/09
guess you never been to hooters? we are talking michelin stars there.
thanks for the honest review. i will be sure to skip this and leave it for the LIRR people.
travpard at 4:51PM on 11/18/09
@John C.: Feel free to report back.
@travpard: I can't count the number of guy friends I had in college who went to Hooters "for the wings." I'll give 'em the pitchers of beer and eye candy, but I refuse to accept that anyone heads there for the food.
Carey Jones at 4:55PM on 11/18/09
Doesn't the frozen horchata at el quinto pino come out of a machine? So good.
avallis at 4:59PM on 11/18/09
@Carey Jones: I read Playboy for the articles while waiting for my amazingly awesome food at Hooters.
Adam Kuban at 5:14PM on 11/18/09
"We wanted our lunch back" is a statement that totally resonates with me. There are a limited number of meals we get to have in our lifetimes. When I'm served a bad one, I don't just feel ripped off, I feel like they stole one of my precious few eating opportunities. A pox on them.
Soup2Nuts at 6:16PM on 11/18/09
You say "Why review an unremarkable restaurant with mediocre food? There's no reason to waste your time or ours."
But I'd argue that it's good to know if a place was tried and found to be mediocre in case someone is considering going there and is looking for reviews! Otherwise we might waste our time trying it and finding out it was only mediocre.
allkindsoffood at 7:27PM on 11/18/09
I'm with allkidsoffood on this one.
Adam Kuban at 7:34PM on 11/18/09
You fortunately or unfortunately do a damn fine good making that food look amazing in your photographs.
Eating The Road at 7:40PM on 11/18/09
I have to say that the pictures are very nice. The food even looks yummy. Good job!
Carioca at 7:42PM on 11/18/09
I'm also a snob when it comes to Mexican food. Any recommendations on Mexican food worthy of a California native? So far, the closest I've come is La Paloma on 45th and 9th Ave.
megperks at 8:20PM on 11/18/09
@Eating the Road and Carioca: That's the amazing thing about Robyn's photographs. They make the food look better than it tastes... in fact, they often make the food look better than it does with the naked eye!
Carey Jones at 8:20PM on 11/18/09
I'll vouch for Dirty Frank's Hot Dog Palace — in downtown Columbus, OH — which serves (optionally alcoholic) slushies and has amazing food. :)
orpheum at 8:42PM on 11/18/09
At least Mooncake is still a solid lunch option for folks in that area.
exflexitarian at 9:02PM on 11/18/09
This sounds like Applebees.
@travpard: I go back to Jersey sometimes to visit. I think commuters deserve better food. Some of us non-natives have tastebuds, ya' know ; )
gingerngin at 10:12PM on 11/18/09
Gee, I must have missed it.
What was the "concept" again?
Just wonderin'
Grifola frondosa at 10:45PM on 11/18/09
@megperks Real Azteca in Hunts Point... 1013 E. 163 St. (Simpson) in the B-r-o-n-x
patrickamory at 11:19PM on 11/18/09
@Carey Jones: "We wanted our lunch back" I Love it!! You could not have said it any better!! An opportunity wasted...we only get to eat lunch 7 times a week! The photos are gorgeous though. Great writing!
shanella at 9:40AM on 11/19/09
I am personally glad you did this review. Given the restaurant's pedigree and knowing Sam Hazen's eye for detail and good taste, I was heading to Lucy's the first chance I got. I remember Sam's cooking at Cascabel & how he turned Tavern on the Green around. I am a little shocked at the miserable review, but this was definately a public service. I will wait to see if Lucy's straightens its self out before making the trek. Thanks Carey for the 411.
hondo3777 at 10:21AM on 11/19/09
"If a restaurant is at 34th and 8th, the food's probably not very good."
This made me LOL. 34th street is the worst street in all Manhattan.
simon at 10:28AM on 11/19/09
It is also good to put up mediocre and bad reviews to give contrast to the glowing ones. Maybe Ed would lose the "Easy Ed" nickname he has gotten for consistently positive reviews (unless there is some additional reason earning him the name...)
Big B at 1:18PM on 11/19/09
I'd love to see Lucy's Cantina Royale's response to this.
finewinendine at 2:16PM on 11/19/09
@finewinendine: Me too.
Carey Jones at 2:25PM on 11/19/09
I work in this area and so sad that we have hardly any good lunch options. Mooncake is the only place I can bring a friend to so far
chillonthecheap.wordpress.com at 11:32AM on 11/20/09
All I can say is "WOW" I mean dayam... this is really a terrible, terrible review. I have friends who work in the area and will definitely be warning them from this... the anger spews from the monitor and hurts! It burns!
PS I'm with the people who said it's good to see the mediocre reviews too.
feistyfoodie at 12:26PM on 11/20/09
@Carey Jones,
I was really pleased to read this review yesterday just before heading one block from my office to try this place for the first time. It is true that good places to eat around here are limited to Mooncake Foods, my favorite Halal truck, and the French Macaron Cafe, so I truly had high hopes for Lucy's. THANK YOU FOR THE WAKEUP CALL that was this review, but especially, thanks for the heads up about the ambience!
I felt like I was in a cross between the bar at the Cancun airport, and a hooters. CREEPY. However, I ordered the Baja sliders, and those tiny little burgers, covered in mystery sauce they may have been, were COOKED TO PERFECTION. None of the other sliders in the neighborhood come close to the medium-rare perfection of these tasty little treats. I chased them down with the most delicious Michelada I've had in months (I was able to substitute the recommended Corona Light for a Negra Modelo, thank goodness).
Despite being scantily clad on the rainy day that it was, the servers were very friendly. I think it's terrible that they have to wear those outfits, really.
@megperks - REAL Mexican food goldmine on East 116th Street, try Taqueria El Paso, among others.
samanthasara at 12:36PM on 11/20/09
I'm sure you must feel you had it coming (I should've known, etc), I'm happy you chose to out them. I thumbed through my Zagat last week, checking my experiences against the ratings. I got several attacks of apoplexy. How could these anonymous morons rate this place or that one so highly? But Zagat is a democracy, and opinions are culled, and even dare I say, interpreted from many opinions. Grand Sichuan 9th Ave, one I especially hated for precipitously declining food and offensive servers, got raves. Bar Stuzzichini, one of the finest affordable Sicilian kitchens, passed for good, when after ten visits, I found to be stupendous.
We can all agree on one thing: My stomach and I have been friends too long to pull a thing like that on it..
mymymichl at 1:42PM on 11/20/09
Bad reviews are needed; to let certain restaurants know they need to step their game up!
If Taco Bell is better than this, the food MUST'VE been god awful!
jlewfoodie at 6:54PM on 11/22/09
Sounds like they need a new chef also! Sometimes one element can go wrong in a meal but the whole thing??? You are right SE, I would NEVER go back!
jlewfoodie at 6:59PM on 11/22/09
Your expectations must be high. I echo the comments about the photos making the food look quite appetizing. Based on appearance alone, I have eaten far worse-LOOKING Tex-Mex food. I mean, at least the quesadilla had some browning, etc. At least the guacamole was made with real avocado (not sure about the avocado crema on the tacos). I've been served quesadillas on tortillas that were the same grade as one can buy at the supermarket (like Old El Paso brand) and could very well have been made in a microwave. I've been served green goop that was clearly a bit of mashed avocado extended with a lot of something else. Really, I think you could actually do worse than Lucy's.
Lorenzo at 9:13PM on 11/22/09
I might add another indicator of potentially bad food: If you walk in off a busy street at 6pm on Saturday night and the place is dead, the food's probably not very good.
Also, I'll put in my vote for good reviews. As others have said, we have a limited number of meals to eat before we die. SE's opinion of food is one I trust, and if they can help me avoid bad food, so much the better.
Skythe at 11:27PM on 11/22/09
@orpheum, I can't believe the great wide internet knows about Dirty Franks! Good call, they do have great slushies. But then again, any place willing to put kimchee on a hot dog can't be bad.
Mandyhello at 9:30AM on 11/23/09
Am I the only one for whom this review actually makes me want to go there, if just for knowing what a meal that was so bad that SE had to write about it is like?
J. Kenji Lopez-Alt at 9:53AM on 11/23/09
another "we should have known better:" it seems to be attached to a duane reade?
autumng at 10:23AM on 11/23/09
If Lucy's had a publicist to send you lots of press releases, i'm sure they've seen this review and it's made the rounds there. My prediction: by tomorrow morning, if not today, you'll have an email in which they'll blame it on a new line cook or chef or short staffed kitchen. I'm a publicist myself (albeit not for food) and i can't even think of another way to explain away such a terrible experience.
They'll then invite you back to try the food again, and it will be somewhat better, perhaps even remarkably so. but i think the former.
In any case, i agree with the other posters who've said that reviews of really terrible places like this are a service to the reader, and to the restaurant itself, just like when a diner sends back food that has been improperly prepared. They can't fix it if they don't know there's a problem.
mr guy at 11:05AM on 11/23/09
"If the waitresses are wearing distractingly skimpy outfits, the food's probably not very good."
In Yorktown, Va., there is a biker bar that fits this criteria. The thing is, their food is really good. To be exact, their seafood and subs are so good, that the place attracts groups from all walks of life. Rock n Roll Biker Bar, or not, the food is so good, that people just don't care if loud bikes and a rough looking crowd also hang out there. Everyone gets along in perfect harmony, because of the tasty offerings and beer. The skimpy outfits only distract you while your waiting for your food. Once your meals get placed on the table, one could care less what the world is wearing.
Raiders757 at 7:13PM on 11/23/09
I forgot to ask.
Did you really pay $9 for what's basically chips & dip? Even if it was the best "made from scratch" chips & dip I ever had, I would never pay that much for it.
$12 for that tiny looking quesadilla?!
I envy New Yorkers for living in a food mecca, but I don't envy the prices. Most Mexican themed placed where I live, serve warm fresh chips & salsa for free. If you want something else, like the guacamoli mixed with fresh Pico De Gallo in the pic, it might cost you $1.50 at most.
Raiders757 at 7:27PM on 11/23/09
$11 for that tiny burrito, $9 for a handful of chips and that little bowl of guacamole...wow...even in San Francisco's downtown, a good burrito will go for about $7and it's mammoth. And the chips and salsa are almost always free...and fresh.
AnnieNT at 4:35PM on 12/04/09
The worst meal I had this year was from El Centro in Hell's Kitchen. God-awful flavorless crap! An envelope filled with glue would taste better than the stuff they serve at El Centro.
punkerplus at 6:18PM on 01/02/10
They deserve a second shot. Clearly they had to work the kinks out. I work across the street...in an area that is devoid of quality eats except for maybe Kabooz's in Penn Station....which is not bad. Tir Na Nog is also very good for Irish fare (beer, fish and fried).
Suffice to say, I have eaten here a few times now. As a wateringhole and food quick fix...they fit the bill.
If you compare to the other bad ilk near here...like the horrendous Moe's chain in Penn Station...Lucy's is like an oasis.
If you are going to compare to Mercadito and Agave...
then you are an idiot because they are a wateringhole vibe establishment....bar first, food second. It is clear from when you first walk in...
OR...maybe the sign on the door that says CANTINA.
Where did it say restaurant?
The word cantina in the USA today is generally taken to mean simply a tavern with a Southwestern or Mexican motif that serves traditional alcoholic Mexican drinks.
I think you need to classify the type of eatery. Because that makes all the difference. Lucy's has been one of the better bars that you can snack some interesting eats in the general area. Concrete NY also is quite good.
B.D. Gallof at 6:15PM on 01/29/10